Waking Up

I’ve been working at the camp again, so I’ve been waking up around seven every morning (with some snoozes), and I’ve been feeling great sticking to the schedule of going to bed at 11 p.m. and waking at 7 a.m. (or thereabout). However, today the staff was off, and my sleep schedule was too. I went to bed around midnight, as I willingly waited for Ray to get home and for us to have our phone call. I woke at seven, took my temperature for tracking my fertility, then went to sleep until around ten.

Up and moving at local coffee shop now, I’ve told myself multiple times that it’s okay that I slept in. I was experiencing some sick symptoms this weekend, and although I’m feeling better, the sleep is likely helpful. What if I hadn’t been experiencing those symptoms? Would I have still slept in? Would it still have been okay? It didn’t feel okay. Icky feelings that caused me to think less of myself were present.

This morning of low self-esteem followed my late night of fears. With around 20 days remaining before the wedding, I’ve had fearful dreams and waking fears of Ray loosing interest in me, leaving me, abandoning me. I expressed these to him last night, and he was reassuring with solid facts, such as the fact he had spent all weekend with me, and promises that he is “in this for good.” The residue of fear and self-esteem weakened by fears doesn’t wash away so quickly.

So what can I do? Write it down, like I am here. I can ask that the fear be removed and for my attention to be directed toward what my Higher Power would have me be. This fear prayer directed me to call Ray last night, and I received reassurance and love. If I continue this prayer, hopefully the residue of fear will wash away.

I pray I will continue to wake up to the life that is real. The real life that is mine. This world of shadows and monsters is the dream drawing me from the world of light and love. These two worlds blur next to each other, competing for my attention. Darkness creates the blurry space with blaring sirens of thought. The light is the gentle and still voice shining. I want to wake up to that gentle song of love to my real life. I am about to be married, and light has composed this union about to be orchestrated. The dissonance of fear cannot put the instruments and music inside me back to sleep.