Who am I to be given grace to the point I am overwhelmed? I share a home with my future husband, who is most compassionate, understanding, and patient with me and my struggle with depression. We have all the food we need, and are able to buy plants that I have been using to create an outdoor sanctuary on our property in the city. I have books and a coffee maker, an iPhone and a MacBook. I now have my own car, which I bought without a co-signer. My college debt is substantial, but not unmanageable.
All this, and I don’t have a steady job. I’ve been doing small, odd jobs such as mowing my dad’s church’s lawn and subbing in for Ray’s note-taker. But all is provided for me, and all works out. Yet, in days like today, I cry from guilt, while feeling upset that I don’t have a job and/or a sense of purpose, and go back to sleep until after noon. I fear I don’t give Ray enough, that I’m taking too much from him. I don’t know what to do with myself or how to give back. I don’t think it’s possible to give back “enough”. But…that’s grace.
Grace torments me. It’s such a beautiful, tremendous thing, but it currently torments me. I know Love has given me gifts to help the world, spread the good juju. After 24 years of searching, I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. I still don’t know what to do with myself, or how who I am and what I can do can help others.
And even as I’ve been composing this entry in my former caffeine and sugar infused place of employment, my Higher Power brought in my first boss, now mending from cancer and diabetes. Her coffee shop is now closed, having bottomed out after five years of business. Regardless, she just told me how good God is to her. Both of our Higher Powers are providing us with what we need. She looks frail now, with teeth missing, bony, skin-grafted legs, and a cane, but her perspective is brighter than mine. I see it in her face and feel her gratitude.
Perhaps my inhibition is not not knowing how I can help others, but actually the inhibition of doing the how and not making enough money to live on. Well. What a silly human I am. I have what I need to live right now, for today. Where is my trust in the Universe that I will be given all I need? Perhaps I am guilty of not using my gifts because I am guilty of fear. I am guilty of fearing grace.