Today has not been a day of hope for me, and the hopelessness I feel from it clouds my new year. I awoke around 11:45 this morning, much later than I had expected. The past weeks have been filled with similar mornings. When I arose from the bed, I felt unbalanced, staggering from a strange, disturbed equilibrium, as if waking from a severe hangover. I had not a drop of alcohol last night. I carefully decended the stairs to find Ray, and when I did, I slowly began to cry. The depression made me weepy for awhile after.
Although we had an unexpectedly pleasant time with Ray’s former sister-in-law at lunch, and a good supper with my parents, brother, and his girlfriend, anxiety has within the last hour been pressing in. Tomorrow, Ray’s license for his business expires, and he has not yet achieved the education requirements to renew it. So all the jobs I have scheduled for him this January could be cancelled if Ray’s former business partner does not sign off on the job reports generated by Ray. He reminded me that in less than two hours, the invalidation will be in effect.
I’m scared for us. My job is with his business. If he can’t do jobs, I can’t do my job. Where will our money come from? I’m so disappointed in him, especially since he’s had years to complete his education requirements. I love him, and will stay, but it is difficult to look at the upcoming joys of our marriage, honeymoon, and going back to college, especially since these will cost money. Thousands.
I have to believe we will get through fine, but with an emphasis on fresh new starts on the day to come, it’s difficult to imagine a good start to this year.
May you have more hope than I tonight, friends. Peace and joy.