Today Ray’s calico cat, Sissy, will rejoin the earth. After years of frequent, on-and-off digestive and anxiety issues, which I have seen only in the past year, she will be laid to rest. Ray dropped me off at Starbucks, despite me wanting to be present for the vet appointment. His ex-wife will be there, since she knew Sissy for years, and my presence would be more anxiety-provoking than comforting, he said, especially since I haven’t met her yet. It was difficult for me to accept this at first, cultivating hateful thoughts toward the ex-wife, including fantasies of our own “cat fight”, and me taking her down like a badass Cat Woman figure. But I am now tranquilly sitting with Sulawesi blend in hand.
I made my amends to Sissy, and that is enough. It has not been easy for me to love her; her anxious darting around and away, her runny bowels squirting on the hardwood floors and carpet, and the scent of her urine when walking into a room made me irritable inside. I would try to let go of cruel thoughts, trying to approach the situation with compassion, and even when I had thought I had moved on from the resentment, it returned frequently.
This morning, she came to us in bed, and we pet her together. She rarely stays to let us pet her; she knew what was coming today. The inspiration to amend came last night, and in light of that, I said to her, “We love you, Sissy.” Quietly, Ray and I cleaned the attic dust from the pet carrier, and I waited while he lovingly retrieved her. She made noises I’d never heard before, even one he had never heard. As I was dropped off, I said to her, “Peaceful travels. Tell God I say ‘Hi’,” and again, “I love you.” The tears receded before I went in to sit here and write.
I will miss her.
But I have a current theory that the “dark energy” in the universe, which is so enigmatic to scientists, is actually the stuff of spirit–animals, plants, humans, other beings. I’m wondering if our spirits, before and after death, are what’s spinning the galaxies and expanding the universe. I hope to join the celestial beings when my body is returned to Earth. May Sissy rejoin them today. We are the “stuff of stars” after all.